Just me

I am tonight, on the eve of a Sunday service in which I am to preach to the home congregation, just floored about how unworthy I am, not just to preach, but to even be a leader or just a child of God at all! I am no where what I need to be, and sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm that far away from what I used to be. Why are the most basic principles of prayer, fasting, and the Word so hard to follow? Why do I go days and weeks without uttering someone's name in prayer? What is so important that I would let erode these cornerstones of Christ-like life and ministry in my life? Why do the words of sheep in my care bring such cutting conviction; isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

The ministry certainly cannot be separated from the man in whom the ministry is invested. The life of the preacher should be the loudest sermon he preaches! I love preaching, and the office of the preacher, and the pulpit, but I despise having to be in front of the people in the poor, miserable shape that I'm in!

I am striving so hard to get back to a life of striving for the right in my life! Praying for a fresh burden that propels me away from all the diversions that take up my time and leave me passionless, prayerless, and powerless. I don't want my family or my church or my youth to get the rest of me instead of the best of me! I hope the fact that this is a problem for me and that I'm taking the time to write about it means that this is turning around in my life, because I can't go on like this. Please God, in your Holy Name, Jesus, deliver me from the poison of pride and the body of this death! Let me take up my cross instead of lazily dragging it! Let me come back to my first love and my first works, rebuilding on the foundation! Let me be broken on your altar where your oil and blood can reconstitute my broken pieces into the man you want and need me to be!!!