Saturday, February 26, 2011

Fatherhood is... part 2

Fatherhood is generative.

Generative is a term that was coined in a study by Dollahite, Hawkins, and Brotherson (1997) (1) in their research to develop a strengths- and responsibility-based framework for fathering.  Basically, "generative" means being concerned for developing the next generation through effective fathering. Here are some of the key points from this framework:


  • Relationship work (working to create a healthy relationship)
  • Stewardship work (providing for the physical needs and safety of children)
  • Development work (changing to meet changing needs)
  • Ethical work (teaching children values and helping them to relate with others in moral ways)
  • Spiritual work (working to help child obtain purpose and joy)
  • Recreation work (helping children relax and have fun)
  • Mentoring work (Helping older children learn skills to be a successful parent) (2)
Deuteronomy 6:1-9 illustrates the biblical mandate to be generative as parents.  Fathers in particular have a responsibility to build the next generation.  According to Ken Canfield in They Call Me Dad (2005) (3), fathers are the "ancient paths" mentioned in Jeremiah 6:16 that children are to look to.  The state of fatherhood will have to change significantly to see generative work become a priority and a reality.

1. http://fatherwork.byu.edu/generativeFramework.htm
2. http://fatherwork.byu.edu/generativeDefined.htm
3. Ken Canfield, They Call Me Dad, Howard Publishing Company, 2005

Friday, February 25, 2011

Fatherhood is... part 1

Fatherhood is developmental.

As a part of research done for the National Center on Fathers and Families, a research study by Barnhill, Rubenstein, and Rocklin presents the following developmental tasks that should occur for fathers at conception, during pregnancy, and after the birth of a child:

1. Decision-making (to have a child)
2. Mourning (for loss of freedom)
3. Empathic responding (during pregnancy and labor)
4. Integrating the new baby into family life
5. Establishing new boundaries and differentiating from extended family
6. Synergizing (establishing new balance and improving on the first 5 tasks)

We think a lot about how the baby develops in the womb and how the mother changes as pregnancy progresses.  But there are changes in fathers as well that must be attended to.

Effective fathering is absent from the history of many men who themselves become fathers.  It is important to understand that growth and development can and should occur in preparation to become a father, and that fathers do not have to fall into a rut of poor fathering from their own past.

Change is possible and achievable to become the father your children need.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Powerful Words Part 3


Labels
Labels are powerful words that do more than describe or designate- they debilitate.
Whether a person is labeled due to behavior, disability, education, finances, mental status or outward appearance, three negative conditions become engrained:
Embracement- of the label that has been given; the person “opts in”.  “People treat me like an invalid, so I am.”
Empowerment- to live out the forgone conclusion that is communicated by the designated label.  “I am told I’m a bad kid, so that must be what I am.  It is expected; I will be what everyone expects me to be.”
Entitlement- expectation of being accommodated or excused; instead of true acceptance as a unique person who is just as capable as anyone else.  “I just can’t do it; society or my situation restrict me, so people will just have to get over it.  I have no contribution to make because this is just who I am.”
The three conditions above limit growth and potential for people who wear labels that others have assigned instead of developing an identity rooted in God’s truth and hope.  All of us must be careful not to injure otherwise strong, capable people with labels.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Change: Part 3

It is difficult to tell at times the difference between having patience in waiting to make a change, and hesitating due to the fear of change.  I quote Stephen Covey from a post on Facebook on January 28th:

Patience is a self-willed restraint until you come to understand. Complacency is some times a mood of contentment and satisfaction independent of the surrounding environment. Patience is a key element of charity, and is a proactive response to difficult situations. 

I myself have learned to tell fear or complacency from patience by listing to myself and to the Holy Spirit.  I immediately feel guilt, tension, and hesitation in my body and hear the voice of God saying, "You know better..."  at times when I am resisting change that I know must be made.  That voice may be through the conscience or power of reasoning, but I acknowledge that it is God nonetheless. Complacency restrains growth in every area of life.  Resisting the voice of the Lord at these times not only will delay a blessing, but shows a resistance to hearing God that makes it easier and easier to resist in the future at times when the penalties for resisting may be even higher.

When patience truly is required, and waiting on change is the order of your steps, there should be a calm about waiting, even when the change is welcomed and anticipated.  Knowledge, wisdom, counsel, prayer and reflection are needed at these times; elements that make up what Solomon would refer to as discretion and judgment in the Proverbs.  

Isaiah 40:31 reminds us that those who wait on the Lord "renew their strength."  The verse is a promise that we can do things with God's strength and not faint in our pursuits.  Running alone will see us fall down exhausted while striving under our own power.  This is not an inactive waiting, it is an active anticipation and preparation for what is coming next, whether the change is around the corner or years away.  Fear dissolves and resolution builds to face the challenges; character and integrity develop in order to better shoulder responsibility.  

God's timing is perfect and unquestionable.  He will never lay on us more than we can bear, whether in trials and testing, or benefits and blessing.  When He says go, go.  But if he says wait, then blessed will be the one who waits.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Com/passion for a young man


A character study demonstrating the balance needed between passion and compassion...
Paul and Barnabas, the mighty missionary team, called, qualified, and sent by the Holy Ghost to evangelize the coasts of the Mediterranean, were at a crossroads.  A decision had to be made.  It was not a theological debate or an argument over styles of preaching or where to travel next.  At the middle of this crossroads was a young man named John Mark.  He had ended his missionary trip before finishing during Paul’s first missionary journey, but was ready to hit the trail again as Paul and Barnabas prepared to go again.  Paul would have none of it; Mark had made his decision and proved himself unworthy to endure the hardships of missionary life.  Barnabas, however, wanted the younger man to come along, insisting he had value and could be an asset.  And concerning these two views, there would be no compromise; Paul and Barnabas would have to go their separate ways; Paul with Silas one direction, and Barnabas with the previously ill-prepared Mark in another direction.
First, I believe Paul and Barnabas had shared a common work, but two different passions and missions.  Paul was called to be the apostle to the Gentiles, and held a laser focus on reaching the lost cities and nations of the Gentiles without bending.  But remember, there may not have been a Paul without Barnabas.  I don’t think Paul was the main speaker on the first missionary journey because Barnabas was ineloquent or afraid to speak up.  I believe it is because one has a hard time developing people to spread their wings with confidence if one hogs the stage and does not trust those they are developing to try.  Judging by the accomplishments Mark went on to achieve, becoming Peter’s assistant and writing one of the four gospels, he does not seem to have been front-man material.  It seems to me that Barnabas was probably the dominant preacher of the new missionary team.  But Barnabas’ passion was arguably to invest in people and give them a chance to soar with their own passions in life and ministry.
Having considered the differing passions of Paul and Barnabas, I propose that each of them showed compassion toward Mark in unique ways.  Compassion can be a two edged sword.  Immediate compassion may meet a need in the moment.  But ultimate compassion meets the needs of a lifetime beyond the present need.  Paul was compassionate toward Mark in that his immediate rejection was a powerful demonstration of the resolute discipline needed to do missionary work.  None of us grasps the hard and important concepts of life without some rejection, trial, and criticism.  Paul’s rejection served as a catalyst, a turning point, without which I cannot see Mark going forward to become the man he ultimately became.  However, along with the rude awakening that Paul provided, Mark also needed some understanding, encouragement, and direction.  Barnabas was ready and willing to fulfill his God-given passion for developing ministers and gave Mark insight, perspective, and further experience necessary to become the man that Paul would ultimately deem “profitable for the ministry.”
While Paul has the distinction of planting numerous churches and writing 13 of the New Testament books, Barnabas has an unblemished track record of developing champions for Christ, in that each of the men the scripture records as being Barnabas’ protégé’s reached their full potential.  Mark went on to assist the Apostle Peter and write the Gospel of Mark, contributing the earliest and simplest of the gospel accounts.  Mark never was the shining star, but he performed his passion consistently and left great gifts for us through the ages through his example and his work.

Change: Part 2

(Sent on 02/13/11 as Weekly Dispatch, my email to the rural west crisis team at Youth Villages)

We choose to change many times in order to benefit our lives in some way.  However, change sometimes comes about due to negative circumstances.

I took a job I wasn't ready for one time, as a director for a local child abuse prevention agency.  Circumstances became very negative and I felt like I could no longer do any good for the organization.  Day by day, the feeling of being there became unbearable.

We had a very well-respected minister come for our church's homecoming service at Beech Bluff, and I had the great opportunity to drive him back to the airport in Nashville for his departure following the service.  He gave me some very sage advice: stick with it, until you find something better.  

This job obviously represented my income and provision for my family.  Emotionally, I was at the point that I could not see anything else but the unpleasantness.  But those words, as common-sense as they were, were a wake-up call.  So from that point, I can identify the following points about problem- or crisis-induced change that helped me out:

  • In emotional situations, rely on common sense and facts to make decisions, not emotions.
  • Allow significant others to help you frame the situation and focus on reality.
  • Don't compromise your faith, values, or relationships for the sake of getting out of an unpleasant situation.
  • As in the first post on this subject, don't let go of one branch until you have a hold on the next one.
  • Don't let the negative aspects of a situation be the driver for the change.  Find the good, beneficial, positive reasons for change.  Find a real opportunity, the next step, the thing you really want to dive into and make plans to direct your energy there (see Change, Part 1.)
  • Make your departure a positive experience. Don't burn bridges.
These are just a few considerations from my experience.  I'm sure you could add others, but I hope this helps when you find yourself facing change.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Change: Part 1


Weekly Dispatch
(weekly email for helping professionals; distributed to Youth Villages Rural West crisis team)
Change: Part 1
There is a time for every purpose.  Change is inevitable.  A lot of things bring about changes in life, but for starters, time comes to initiate change in order to better our lives and the lives of our family members. 
My family and I have undergone some serious changes in the past few months, not the least of which was deciding to change churches from the one in which my wife and I grew up.  Even positive change is stressful and fraught with questions.  These are some lessons I learned in the process of making positive changes:
·      Have a plan; be intentional.
·      Count the cost.
·      Don’t let go of one vine before grabbing on to another; you’ll fall.
·      Go where you can grow.
·      Love where you are going and what you are doing.
·      Be patient; take your time.
Next post: what to do when problems call for change.