Powerful Words Part 3

Labels

Labels are powerful words that do more than describe or designate- they debilitate.

Whether a person is labeled due to behavior, disability, education, finances, mental status or outward appearance, three negative conditions become engrained:

Embracement- of the label that has been given; the person “opts in”.  “People treat me like an invalid, so I am.”

Empowerment- to live out the forgone conclusion that is communicated by the designated label.  “I am told I’m a bad kid, so that must be what I am.  It is expected; I will be what everyone expects me to be.”

Entitlement- expectation of being accommodated or excused; instead of true acceptance as a unique person who is just as capable as anyone else.  “I just can’t do it; society or my situation restrict me, so people will just have to get over it.  I have no contribution to make because this is just who I am.”

The three conditions above limit growth and potential for people who wear labels that others have assigned instead of developing an identity rooted in God’s truth and hope.  All of us must be careful not to injure otherwise strong, capable people with labels.

Com/passion for a young man

A character study demonstrating the balance needed between passion and compassion...

Paul and Barnabas, the mighty missionary team, called, qualified, and sent by the Holy Ghost to evangelize the coasts of the Mediterranean, were at a crossroads.  A decision had to be made.  It was not a theological debate or an argument over styles of preaching or where to travel next.  At the middle of this crossroads was a young man named John Mark.  He had ended his missionary trip before finishing during Paul’s first missionary journey, but was ready to hit the trail again as Paul and Barnabas prepared to go again.  Paul would have none of it; Mark had made his decision and proved himself unworthy to endure the hardships of missionary life.  Barnabas, however, wanted the younger man to come along, insisting he had value and could be an asset.  And concerning these two views, there would be no compromise; Paul and Barnabas would have to go their separate ways; Paul with Silas one direction, and Barnabas with the previously ill-prepared Mark in another direction.

First, I believe Paul and Barnabas had shared a common work, but two different passions and missions.  Paul was called to be the apostle to the Gentiles, and held a laser focus on reaching the lost cities and nations of the Gentiles without bending.  But remember, there may not have been a Paul without Barnabas.  I don’t think Paul was the main speaker on the first missionary journey because Barnabas was ineloquent or afraid to speak up.  I believe it is because one has a hard time developing people to spread their wings with confidence if one hogs the stage and does not trust those they are developing to try.  Judging by the accomplishments Mark went on to achieve, becoming Peter’s assistant and writing one of the four gospels, he does not seem to have been front-man material.  It seems to me that Barnabas was probably the dominant preacher of the new missionary team.  But Barnabas’ passion was arguably to invest in people and give them a chance to soar with their own passions in life and ministry.

Having considered the differing passions of Paul and Barnabas, I propose that each of them showed compassion toward Mark in unique ways.  Compassion can be a two edged sword.  Immediate compassion may meet a need in the moment.  But ultimate compassion meets the needs of a lifetime beyond the present need.  Paul was compassionate toward Mark in that his immediate rejection was a powerful demonstration of the resolute discipline needed to do missionary work.  None of us grasps the hard and important concepts of life without some rejection, trial, and criticism.  Paul’s rejection served as a catalyst, a turning point, without which I cannot see Mark going forward to become the man he ultimately became.  However, along with the rude awakening that Paul provided, Mark also needed some understanding, encouragement, and direction.  Barnabas was ready and willing to fulfill his God-given passion for developing ministers and gave Mark insight, perspective, and further experience necessary to become the man that Paul would ultimately deem “profitable for the ministry.”

While Paul has the distinction of planting numerous churches and writing 13 of the New Testament books, Barnabas has an unblemished track record of developing champions for Christ, in that each of the men the scripture records as being Barnabas’ protégé’s reached their full potential.  Mark went on to assist the Apostle Peter and write the Gospel of Mark, contributing the earliest and simplest of the gospel accounts.  Mark never was the shining star, but he performed his passion consistently and left great gifts for us through the ages through his example and his work.

Change: Part 2

(Sent on 02/13/11 as Weekly Dispatch, my email to the rural west crisis team at Youth Villages)

We choose to change many times in order to benefit our lives in some way.  However, change sometimes comes about due to negative circumstances.

I took a job I wasn't ready for one time, as a director for a local child abuse prevention agency.  Circumstances became very negative and I felt like I could no longer do any good for the organization.  Day by day, the feeling of being there became unbearable.

We had a very well-respected minister come for our church's homecoming service at Beech Bluff, and I had the great opportunity to drive him back to the airport in Nashville for his departure following the service.  He gave me some very sage advice: stick with it, until you find something better.  

This job obviously represented my income and provision for my family.  Emotionally, I was at the point that I could not see anything else but the unpleasantness.  But those words, as common-sense as they were, were a wake-up call.  So from that point, I can identify the following points about problem- or crisis-induced change that helped me out:

• In emotional situations, rely on common sense and facts to make decisions, not emotions.
• Allow significant others to help you frame the situation and focus on reality.
• Don't compromise your faith, values, or relationships for the sake of getting out of an unpleasant situation.
• As in the first post on this subject, don't let go of one branch until you have a hold on the next one.
• Don't let the negative aspects of a situation be the driver for the change.  Find the good, beneficial, positive reasons for change.  Find a real opportunity, the next step, the thing you really want to dive into and make plans to direct your energy there (see Change, Part 1.)
• Make your departure a positive experience. Don't burn bridges.

These are just a few considerations from my experience.  I'm sure you could add others, but I hope this helps when you find yourself facing change.

Change: Part 1

Weekly Dispatch

(weekly email for helping professionals; distributed to Youth Villages Rural West crisis team)

Change: Part 1

There is a time for every purpose.  Change is inevitable.  A lot of things bring about changes in life, but for starters, time comes to initiate change in order to better our lives and the lives of our family members. 

My family and I have undergone some serious changes in the past few months, not the least of which was deciding to change churches from the one in which my wife and I grew up.  Even positive change is stressful and fraught with questions.  These are some lessons I learned in the process of making positive changes:

·      Have a plan; be intentional.

·      Count the cost.

·      Don’t let go of one vine before grabbing on to another; you’ll fall.

·      Go where you can grow.

·      Love where you are going and what you are doing.

·      Be patient; take your time.

Next post: what to do when problems call for change.

What Will It Take?

(This was posted originally about 2 years ago. I've edited it and repost this version, but the original can be read, with a picture and name of the little girl, if you look in my archives.)

I did something this morning that I've never done before. Sitting at my table, 2:30 in the morning, with the back door open so I can hear the rain and thunder outside, I was startled by my weather radio. This alert, unlike the many that had sounded earlier this evening, was not due to the weather, however. This was an AMBER alert for a missing child in Gibson County. I could not catch all the details, so I went to the TBI website and found the alert along with a picture of the little 5-year-old girl, missing since 7:30pm last evening. I've heard AMBER alerts before, but the difference this time was that I did something about it. being at my computer already, I posted the alert and the picture to my facebook page, so that the information would go a little bit farther than just me. Why? On a stormy night like tonight, I couldn't imagine where this little girl could possibly be, last seen wearing only pink panties, if she was not at home, safe and sound.

Now, I did this because there is something I know about myself: I love children, teens, adolescents, and their families. And my life's actions have not always reflected what my life's PASSIONS really are. The troubling thing is that, the longer you go in life saying that something is important to you, but not acting like it is important to you, the more it begins to appear that the thing in question is NOT important to you. So if I have a passion to help children, but I let an opportunity pass me by to help a child in the least bit, then I could not possibly stand face-to-face with you and say with complete honesty, that my passion is to help children.

I can't help but feel that there are many people whose lives are not fulfilling their passions. So the question is: What is it going to take? With kids dying and being taken advantage of, what is it going to take? With the elderly being abandoned and abused, what will it take? When a million abortions occur and those lives are tossed out before they ever have a chance to begin, what is it going to take? With women being beaten and bruised, what will it take to move YOU?

What makes you tick? What gets your goat? Who are you recognizing needs the love of God on a daily basis that you are able to glide right by, excusing the apathy by telling yourself that it's not you problem? What searing sensation occurs in your soul that time and neglect has caused to become more dull and more weak until you hardly notice anymore? What was the last thing that made you begin to weep tears of sorrow and pray to God saying, "Please do something! Please help ME to do SOMETHING?" I know it's not pleasant to think about, but you and I both have allowed opportunities to slip by in which a little extra time and consideration could have made a whole lot of difference, where taking a small risk of being called "intrusive" or even the slight risk of being wrong, caused us to over look a situation altogether in which someone was secretly crying out for help.

There is not enough love in all the hearts of men and women in this world that can cause all the problems and injustices of people to be solved. Ahmed Zewail, 1999 Nobel Prize winner in chemistry, wrote, "Despite human progress, I fear the continuing dearth of visionary solutions to the underlying causes of human misery- ignorance and deprivation." I am not deluded into thinking that man has any solutions to these causes of misery for our brothers and sisters. I am convinced, however, that the solution resides in Jesus Christ. "Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands." II Timothy 1:6. If the gift is in you, then the answer also resides in you. Don't let it take another day of statistics to activate your response to your passions.

Powerful Words Part 2

The first post on "powerful words" emphasized more of the cruelty of words.  There was one comment I made that is a good segue into today's post:

"Connotation must be sincere and appropriate..."

The same tools that can help are the ones that can be used for manipulative purposes.

I have been on both sides when it comes to manipulation: I have hurt and been hurt by every degree of deception from subtle misdirection to blatant lies.

There are two reasons I can think of to deceive as an adult: fear and manipulation.  Children lie often when they feel they will get into trouble.  This is a part of development that requires proper discipline and admonition; the most effective remedy is to react appropriately to negative behaviors so discipline causes sorrow for the offense, not fear of the punishment.  Adults, however, lie out of fear as well, in spite of knowing better.  The most tempting thing to do is fudge on deadlines, make excuses, or magnify actual impediments that may not really have been significant enough to impair progress on a project or task.

Lying out of fear is not right, but lying in order to manipulate is abuse.  Neither transgression is any greater or less in God's eyes, but manipulation leaves human carnage in its wake that perhaps does not occur so much when one fudges something to get out of trouble.  Manipulation involves a whole tool box full of techniques: putting someone down or overpraising him; pouring out affection or withholding it; appealing to one's sympathy or to their fears to get what is desired; making someone feel like they did something wrong that was really beyond their control.  The most horrid of manipulation occurs toward children or people who are under the authority of the manipulator, making them feel they have no recourse and that they must comply or somehow be retaliated against.

The following scriptures all refer to various relationships, but each points out the wrong of being manipulative:

Eph. 6:4- And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

1 Peter 5:2-3- Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind; Neither as being lords over God's heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.

Col. 4:1- Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal; knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven.

Psalm 10:7- (Of the wicked) His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and fraud: under his tongue is mischief and vanity.


I stated at the beginning that I have done my share of lying and manipulating.  I have to guard myself in the smallest ways to make sure that I do not allow manipulation to enter any of my relationships.  Provoking, lying, misdirecting, downplaying, redirecting blame; all of these are ways that manipulation can creep into a marriage and a home.  It takes the power of the Holy Ghost and sound words to avoid falling into the trap.

Powerful Words Part 1

There has been so much talk in the media about how negative rhetoric (talk meant to persuade) may have played a role in the tragic deaths and injuries that occurred in Tucson, AZ this past week.  While the jury is still out concerning the shooter in a lot of ways, there is no denying that words have power.  "Death and life are in the power of the tongue," Proverbs 18:21.

People: husbands and wives; fathers and mothers; sons and daughters; employees, congregants, and friends; are helped or hurt, saved or slain, by words.  Words, sounds, the way they are arranged, the subtle connotations, or the explicit meanings communicated, all cooperate or conspire together to make or break their recipient.  While the hearer bears some responsibility for trying to understand that which is communicated, the speaker bears responsibility for the conveyance of understanding, and can hardly blame the hearer if the conveyance is without thought or consideration.  There is no room for having one's "brain in neutral and mouth in overdrive."  Not if understanding is the goal.

This is particularly important, in my experience, between parents and children.  Modeling effective, positive communication is such a powerful tool, not only to gain compliance and cooperation, but to teach that child how he is to communicate with others.  The simplest example, and one I have encountered many times, is a parent that complains of a child that curses, when the parent also curses, or allows such language in the home often enough that the child picks it up.  There is no amount of lecturing or punishment for cursing that will cause it to stop, unless there is ownership of the communication that has modeled cursing.

Communication problems are often more subtle than this, but it amounts to the same conclusion: communication is learned through modeling and observation.  Let's break down two important aspects of verbal communication in order to develop intentional, positive communication.

• Semantics: meaning.  Words are often chosen to convey a certain meaning.  If I receive a traffic "citation," to my wife, that is a "ticket."  The formal air of the first word creates less tension in the hearer, as opposed to the second word, which sounds more negative, though both words convey the same thing.  Similarly, one may make a "big" mistake, or a "gigantic" mistake.  "Big" is not a big word, but it symbolizes largeness.  However, "gigantic," or a slang like "ginormous," signifies largeness with a large, imposing word.  Semantics can be used with others to convey a message that shadows a more negative reality, or that exaggerates a less severe situation, based on the intention of the speaker.  When used sincerely and truthfully, connotation is effective in producing a desired result; when I hospitalize a child in the course of my crisis work, I truly mean that they are going for "treatment" at a "psychiatric hospital," not to be "locked up" at a "psych ward."  Connotation must be sincere and appropriate, however.  If a child is behaving in a delinquent manner, it is very appropriate to say that the consequences may include being arrested, locked up, detained, or any number of other words that convey the seriousness of the matter.
• Pragmatics: appropriate application of language.  While semantics looks at the meaning a word symbolizes or signifies, pragmatics examines the appropriateness of language across contexts.  In my work as a crisis counselor, I inevitably see young people who have been told that I am coming to "lock them up" or "send them away."  I have to re-frame that notion into "hospitalization for treatment," as a "help, not a punishment."  What purpose does it serve to tell a child of any age that they may be "locked up?"  Only to cause stress, anxiety, anger, and defiance.  Similarly, they are not being sent to a "psych ward," a "loony bin," or a "crazy house."  These are all socially inappropriate, not only for the specific situation, but for any situation in which inpatient care is being considered.  While this is true, for a parent who has had to admit a child to a psychiatric hospital, it may be expressed in private to a confidence that the parent regrets "locking up" that son or daughter without the social or behavioral consequences of having said it to the child or in the child's hearing.

Semantics and pragmatics are often methods of manipulation, but compliance based on manipulation is short-lived and only reproduces manipulation.  Honest, appropriate, considerate, direct communication can be maintained no matter how frustrating or dire the situation.

When Crisis Comes to Church

It is so important to do right toward all who come through the doors of the church.  I read a statistic on Twitter posted by the authors of Essential Church (Thom and Sam Rainer) that said 26% of people who no longer attend church stated that their church was a support in times of personal crisis.  That number should be higher.

I feel that many in ministry or leadership do not feel equipped to handle many of the individual and family crises that come to church.  It takes more than quoting scripture or offering to pray.  It takes being willing to "be there" in a real sense of empathy and listening, without judgment, shock, revulsion, or lecturing.  It takes having a present focus.  And more than anything, it utilizes the spiritual reserves and every ounce of the Holy Ghost one has; feeling and listening to the Spirit is essential.

That being said, education and preparation will prepare leaders and ministers for the day that crisis comes to church.  The way front-line leaders and ministers in the church handle the challenges of crisis will determine how safe, accepted, and available people are to the work of the Holy Ghost.

More to come...