Fatherhood is... part 2

Fatherhood is generative.

Generative is a term that was coined in a study by Dollahite, Hawkins, and Brotherson (1997) (1) in their research to develop a strengths- and responsibility-based framework for fathering.  Basically, "generative" means being concerned for developing the next generation through effective fathering. Here are some of the key points from this framework:

• Relationship work (working to create a healthy relationship)
• Stewardship work (providing for the physical needs and safety of children)
• Development work (changing to meet changing needs)
• Ethical work (teaching children values and helping them to relate with others in moral ways)
• Spiritual work (working to help child obtain purpose and joy)
• Recreation work (helping children relax and have fun)
• Mentoring work (Helping older children learn skills to be a successful parent) (2)

Deuteronomy 6:1-9 illustrates the biblical mandate to be generative as parents.  Fathers in particular have a responsibility to build the next generation.  According to Ken Canfield in They Call Me Dad (2005) (3), fathers are the "ancient paths" mentioned in Jeremiah 6:16 that children are to look to.  The state of fatherhood will have to change significantly to see generative work become a priority and a reality.

1. http://fatherwork.byu.edu/generativeFramework.htm
2. http://fatherwork.byu.edu/generativeDefined.htm
3. Ken Canfield, They Call Me Dad, Howard Publishing Company, 2005

Fatherhood is... part 1

Fatherhood is developmental.

As a part of research done for the National Center on Fathers and Families, a research study by Barnhill, Rubenstein, and Rocklin presents the following developmental tasks that should occur for fathers at conception, during pregnancy, and after the birth of a child:

1. Decision-making (to have a child)
2. Mourning (for loss of freedom)
3. Empathic responding (during pregnancy and labor)
4. Integrating the new baby into family life
5. Establishing new boundaries and differentiating from extended family
6. Synergizing (establishing new balance and improving on the first 5 tasks)

We think a lot about how the baby develops in the womb and how the mother changes as pregnancy progresses.  But there are changes in fathers as well that must be attended to.

Effective fathering is absent from the history of many men who themselves become fathers.  It is important to understand that growth and development can and should occur in preparation to become a father, and that fathers do not have to fall into a rut of poor fathering from their own past.

Change is possible and achievable to become the father your children need.

Powerful Words Part 3

Labels

Labels are powerful words that do more than describe or designate- they debilitate.

Whether a person is labeled due to behavior, disability, education, finances, mental status or outward appearance, three negative conditions become engrained:

Embracement- of the label that has been given; the person “opts in”.  “People treat me like an invalid, so I am.”

Empowerment- to live out the forgone conclusion that is communicated by the designated label.  “I am told I’m a bad kid, so that must be what I am.  It is expected; I will be what everyone expects me to be.”

Entitlement- expectation of being accommodated or excused; instead of true acceptance as a unique person who is just as capable as anyone else.  “I just can’t do it; society or my situation restrict me, so people will just have to get over it.  I have no contribution to make because this is just who I am.”

The three conditions above limit growth and potential for people who wear labels that others have assigned instead of developing an identity rooted in God’s truth and hope.  All of us must be careful not to injure otherwise strong, capable people with labels.

Change: Part 3

It is difficult to tell at times the difference between having patience in waiting to make a change, and hesitating due to the fear of change.  I quote Stephen Covey from a post on Facebook on January 28th:

Patience is a self-willed restraint until you come to understand. Complacency is some times a mood of contentment and satisfaction independent of the surrounding environment. Patience is a key element of charity, and is a proactive response to difficult situations. 

I myself have learned to tell fear or complacency from patience by listing to myself and to the Holy Spirit.  I immediately feel guilt, tension, and hesitation in my body and hear the voice of God saying, "You know better..."  at times when I am resisting change that I know must be made.  That voice may be through the conscience or power of reasoning, but I acknowledge that it is God nonetheless. Complacency restrains growth in every area of life.  Resisting the voice of the Lord at these times not only will delay a blessing, but shows a resistance to hearing God that makes it easier and easier to resist in the future at times when the penalties for resisting may be even higher.

When patience truly is required, and waiting on change is the order of your steps, there should be a calm about waiting, even when the change is welcomed and anticipated.  Knowledge, wisdom, counsel, prayer and reflection are needed at these times; elements that make up what Solomon would refer to as discretion and judgment in the Proverbs.  

Isaiah 40:31 reminds us that those who wait on the Lord "renew their strength."  The verse is a promise that we can do things with God's strength and not faint in our pursuits.  Running alone will see us fall down exhausted while striving under our own power.  This is not an inactive waiting, it is an active anticipation and preparation for what is coming next, whether the change is around the corner or years away.  Fear dissolves and resolution builds to face the challenges; character and integrity develop in order to better shoulder responsibility.  

God's timing is perfect and unquestionable.  He will never lay on us more than we can bear, whether in trials and testing, or benefits and blessing.  When He says go, go.  But if he says wait, then blessed will be the one who waits.

Com/passion for a young man

A character study demonstrating the balance needed between passion and compassion...

Paul and Barnabas, the mighty missionary team, called, qualified, and sent by the Holy Ghost to evangelize the coasts of the Mediterranean, were at a crossroads.  A decision had to be made.  It was not a theological debate or an argument over styles of preaching or where to travel next.  At the middle of this crossroads was a young man named John Mark.  He had ended his missionary trip before finishing during Paul’s first missionary journey, but was ready to hit the trail again as Paul and Barnabas prepared to go again.  Paul would have none of it; Mark had made his decision and proved himself unworthy to endure the hardships of missionary life.  Barnabas, however, wanted the younger man to come along, insisting he had value and could be an asset.  And concerning these two views, there would be no compromise; Paul and Barnabas would have to go their separate ways; Paul with Silas one direction, and Barnabas with the previously ill-prepared Mark in another direction.

First, I believe Paul and Barnabas had shared a common work, but two different passions and missions.  Paul was called to be the apostle to the Gentiles, and held a laser focus on reaching the lost cities and nations of the Gentiles without bending.  But remember, there may not have been a Paul without Barnabas.  I don’t think Paul was the main speaker on the first missionary journey because Barnabas was ineloquent or afraid to speak up.  I believe it is because one has a hard time developing people to spread their wings with confidence if one hogs the stage and does not trust those they are developing to try.  Judging by the accomplishments Mark went on to achieve, becoming Peter’s assistant and writing one of the four gospels, he does not seem to have been front-man material.  It seems to me that Barnabas was probably the dominant preacher of the new missionary team.  But Barnabas’ passion was arguably to invest in people and give them a chance to soar with their own passions in life and ministry.

Having considered the differing passions of Paul and Barnabas, I propose that each of them showed compassion toward Mark in unique ways.  Compassion can be a two edged sword.  Immediate compassion may meet a need in the moment.  But ultimate compassion meets the needs of a lifetime beyond the present need.  Paul was compassionate toward Mark in that his immediate rejection was a powerful demonstration of the resolute discipline needed to do missionary work.  None of us grasps the hard and important concepts of life without some rejection, trial, and criticism.  Paul’s rejection served as a catalyst, a turning point, without which I cannot see Mark going forward to become the man he ultimately became.  However, along with the rude awakening that Paul provided, Mark also needed some understanding, encouragement, and direction.  Barnabas was ready and willing to fulfill his God-given passion for developing ministers and gave Mark insight, perspective, and further experience necessary to become the man that Paul would ultimately deem “profitable for the ministry.”

While Paul has the distinction of planting numerous churches and writing 13 of the New Testament books, Barnabas has an unblemished track record of developing champions for Christ, in that each of the men the scripture records as being Barnabas’ protégé’s reached their full potential.  Mark went on to assist the Apostle Peter and write the Gospel of Mark, contributing the earliest and simplest of the gospel accounts.  Mark never was the shining star, but he performed his passion consistently and left great gifts for us through the ages through his example and his work.

Change: Part 2

(Sent on 02/13/11 as Weekly Dispatch, my email to the rural west crisis team at Youth Villages)

We choose to change many times in order to benefit our lives in some way.  However, change sometimes comes about due to negative circumstances.

I took a job I wasn't ready for one time, as a director for a local child abuse prevention agency.  Circumstances became very negative and I felt like I could no longer do any good for the organization.  Day by day, the feeling of being there became unbearable.

We had a very well-respected minister come for our church's homecoming service at Beech Bluff, and I had the great opportunity to drive him back to the airport in Nashville for his departure following the service.  He gave me some very sage advice: stick with it, until you find something better.  

This job obviously represented my income and provision for my family.  Emotionally, I was at the point that I could not see anything else but the unpleasantness.  But those words, as common-sense as they were, were a wake-up call.  So from that point, I can identify the following points about problem- or crisis-induced change that helped me out:

• In emotional situations, rely on common sense and facts to make decisions, not emotions.
• Allow significant others to help you frame the situation and focus on reality.
• Don't compromise your faith, values, or relationships for the sake of getting out of an unpleasant situation.
• As in the first post on this subject, don't let go of one branch until you have a hold on the next one.
• Don't let the negative aspects of a situation be the driver for the change.  Find the good, beneficial, positive reasons for change.  Find a real opportunity, the next step, the thing you really want to dive into and make plans to direct your energy there (see Change, Part 1.)
• Make your departure a positive experience. Don't burn bridges.

These are just a few considerations from my experience.  I'm sure you could add others, but I hope this helps when you find yourself facing change.

Change: Part 1

Weekly Dispatch

(weekly email for helping professionals; distributed to Youth Villages Rural West crisis team)

Change: Part 1

There is a time for every purpose.  Change is inevitable.  A lot of things bring about changes in life, but for starters, time comes to initiate change in order to better our lives and the lives of our family members. 

My family and I have undergone some serious changes in the past few months, not the least of which was deciding to change churches from the one in which my wife and I grew up.  Even positive change is stressful and fraught with questions.  These are some lessons I learned in the process of making positive changes:

·      Have a plan; be intentional.

·      Count the cost.

·      Don’t let go of one vine before grabbing on to another; you’ll fall.

·      Go where you can grow.

·      Love where you are going and what you are doing.

·      Be patient; take your time.

Next post: what to do when problems call for change.

Wisdom

More than knowledge with experience; understanding over time that becomes ingrained; intuitive, result of integrating life’s lessons; discretion with readiness to direct; prudent though surrounded by pride; beginning with the fear of God; desired kinswoman; elusive, though she seeks many.

Based on the Proverbs

What Will It Take?

(This was posted originally about 2 years ago. I've edited it and repost this version, but the original can be read, with a picture and name of the little girl, if you look in my archives.)

I did something this morning that I've never done before. Sitting at my table, 2:30 in the morning, with the back door open so I can hear the rain and thunder outside, I was startled by my weather radio. This alert, unlike the many that had sounded earlier this evening, was not due to the weather, however. This was an AMBER alert for a missing child in Gibson County. I could not catch all the details, so I went to the TBI website and found the alert along with a picture of the little 5-year-old girl, missing since 7:30pm last evening. I've heard AMBER alerts before, but the difference this time was that I did something about it. being at my computer already, I posted the alert and the picture to my facebook page, so that the information would go a little bit farther than just me. Why? On a stormy night like tonight, I couldn't imagine where this little girl could possibly be, last seen wearing only pink panties, if she was not at home, safe and sound.

Now, I did this because there is something I know about myself: I love children, teens, adolescents, and their families. And my life's actions have not always reflected what my life's PASSIONS really are. The troubling thing is that, the longer you go in life saying that something is important to you, but not acting like it is important to you, the more it begins to appear that the thing in question is NOT important to you. So if I have a passion to help children, but I let an opportunity pass me by to help a child in the least bit, then I could not possibly stand face-to-face with you and say with complete honesty, that my passion is to help children.

I can't help but feel that there are many people whose lives are not fulfilling their passions. So the question is: What is it going to take? With kids dying and being taken advantage of, what is it going to take? With the elderly being abandoned and abused, what will it take? When a million abortions occur and those lives are tossed out before they ever have a chance to begin, what is it going to take? With women being beaten and bruised, what will it take to move YOU?

What makes you tick? What gets your goat? Who are you recognizing needs the love of God on a daily basis that you are able to glide right by, excusing the apathy by telling yourself that it's not you problem? What searing sensation occurs in your soul that time and neglect has caused to become more dull and more weak until you hardly notice anymore? What was the last thing that made you begin to weep tears of sorrow and pray to God saying, "Please do something! Please help ME to do SOMETHING?" I know it's not pleasant to think about, but you and I both have allowed opportunities to slip by in which a little extra time and consideration could have made a whole lot of difference, where taking a small risk of being called "intrusive" or even the slight risk of being wrong, caused us to over look a situation altogether in which someone was secretly crying out for help.

There is not enough love in all the hearts of men and women in this world that can cause all the problems and injustices of people to be solved. Ahmed Zewail, 1999 Nobel Prize winner in chemistry, wrote, "Despite human progress, I fear the continuing dearth of visionary solutions to the underlying causes of human misery- ignorance and deprivation." I am not deluded into thinking that man has any solutions to these causes of misery for our brothers and sisters. I am convinced, however, that the solution resides in Jesus Christ. "Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands." II Timothy 1:6. If the gift is in you, then the answer also resides in you. Don't let it take another day of statistics to activate your response to your passions.

Soar, or Stall? Part 2

Ideas, Intentions, and Initiative

Ideas are to be mulled over, thought about, written down, shared, taught, built up, expounded upon, filled out, saved, treasured, and communicated.  Ideas may be communicated to those closest, those who know you and are used to your quirks; an idea may be bigger than life, misunderstood, or misconstrued.  An idea is a fragile, fleeting thing that has to be captured in the moment.  Some people are idea people, dreamers, visionaries.  These people find inspiration in everything; if they could enact just a percentage of all that pops into the mind, the world would be a better place.  Ideas can soar when they are

captured, considered, and communicated. 

A select group is invited to add value to it.  It is taught for others to try.  Or, maybe an idea becomes a passion that must be pursued.  Ideas are the creative work of people, the emulation of the creative work of God in the Earth.  Ideas can stall, however, when they are

squandered, sidelined, or squashed.

Ideas become intentions by decision.  It does not occur by default: I decide that I am going to pursue an idea wherever it takes me.  Intention is transition: a time to make plans, set goals, and communicate more.  The circle of confidants expands, because you need to find like-minded people.  Wings are being added to the idea.  It can soar!  But it also may stall: intention must quickly move toward action.  This is the time that priorities really become clear.  After so long of declaring intention, you have to look honestly and ask, "Am I doing it? Or not? If not, why not?"  What is needed to go forward, and is it worth it?

Intention becomes initiative when it rolls out.  When it is headed toward the runway.  When it is marketable and can provide value to others.  All the investment in the idea and the preparation during the intention stage takes a shape that can mean something to someone else.  If communication has occurred regularly and appropriately, then you already have a base of support.  The initiative can soar!  But there is a stalling point that can occur even after take-off; these are the most deadly stalls, when reputation and preparation and resources are strained by wind sheer and shattered by the impact.  The higher it goes, the harder the fall.  Fear is highest at this point for just this reason.  But it cannot be a factor in the decision.  Nothing great was ever achieved as an idea or an intention.  There has to be INITIATIVE! 

All things considered, it is best to count the cost at each stage and make wise decisions.  Ideas, intentions, and initiatives can play out in so many different ways.  Timing is key.  Resources are key.  God's will is of the utmost importance.


But there comes a time when you have to leave the roost and go for it.

Soar, or Stall?

We all come to these places in life, in work, in relationships or partnerships, where we have to decide if a vision or an idea is going to take off, or be grounded.  If it's going to soar, or stall. It comes when you start counting cost. Or, when you question significance.  Or when you are criticized.  Possibly when you start losing interest.  Definitely when the going gets tough.

It's hard when you've stuck your neck out, to think that something you've invested in or vouched for may not fly.  That's why it is important to count the cost.  The four areas of concern below may help you determine if you need to LEAP, or stay on the ground.

Leadership- Do you have the vision? Can you communicate and get others on board? Are you afraid of letting others be involved in your idea, or in your life? Do you know the "next steps"? Can you put ideas into action? Are you willing to be accountable?

Effort- Are you willing to put your best foot forward? Is it worth your time and energy? Can the effort required be sustained? Do you have the strength?

Actuality- What is reality? Where do you stand right now? What will it take to get from where you are to where you want to be? Do you have the resources required? Realistically, is your goal possible?

Passion- Do you want it so bad that it hurts? Does your endeavor have a place close to your heart? Do you wake up for it everyday? Can you love your purpose and the people you are striving to serve/reach? Are you willing to give all? Do you have faith to overcome the obstacles?

As difficult as it may be, you may realize that there are some things that you need to quit.  There are other things that you don't need to start.  Identifying the "soar or stall" point is important in order to make sound decisions.

Letter to Glenn Beck

I heard the last part of the Glenn Beck program yesterday morning, and Glenn was talking about visiting New Orleans and feeling a sense of evil, especially in the French Quarter, and witnessing the depravity of people being strung out on the sidewalks and streets.  I felt compelled to send this email last night.  I don't know if it will be answered or even read, but there is a point in it that I felt the need to express: good intentions, and good works (such as the unity in efforts to rebuild after Katrina) will never dispel spiritual evil; only spiritual warfare in the name of Jesus Christ will do that.

So read, and then take a time of prayer for New Orleans, and for your own community and state, that spiritual wickedness in high places will be subdued and sinners will have a clear path to Jesus Christ.


Hi Glenn,

I appreciate your show; you always offer a lot for me to consider when I get to listen.

I heard the conversation on air this morning about your experience in the streets of New Orleans and wanted to comment.  I am a born-again Christ believer and minister in the United Pentecostal Church.  Like everyone else, I see and admire the efforts of the people of New Orleans and of the state government in Louisiana and know that they are a resilient people with strong roots.  I do not believe that any of the disasters, from Katrina and other storms of the past, to the oil spill, are specific judgments of God, only that these disasters are inevitable in the times we live in as foretold in the Bible.  I do, however, believe that any major disaster is an opportunity for people, individually and collectively, to turn to God as the source of all healing and restoration.

The ministers and churches that I am aware of across the state know that they wage a war against Satan.  The evil that you and your guards recognized there is known to be a spiritual oppression.  You mentioned that there seems to be two different groups of people, recognizing those that are under the evils of addiction, prostitution, profiteers of such activities, and are hollow of hope and waiting for government to intervene.  And then recognizing those with fortitude and strength, resilience to rebuild their lives and give back to a community that has given to them.

I submit this: as far as Satan is concerned, the city and its economy has to stay alive in order to keep a grip on the lives of those people who are already under his influence.  The rebuilding and revitalizing of that city by good, well-meaning people is not the light in the spiritual darkness; without a spiritual revolution, it only allows a parasitic relationship to continue on.  The real light in the darkness is when people put their faith in Christ and battle spiritually against the evil that is present through prayer and change.

I know that you have called people across the nation to prayer and belief in God as the answer for our country.  The same call, made to all of the people of New Orleans and Louisiana, is required to release the grip of Satan on the destitute, the addicted, the broken and the lonely.

Consider Ephesians 6:10-12 and Acts 19:21-41 as scriptural references for my assertions above.  These references really address the spiritual atmosphere as a whole, as well as addressing what you said about the French Quarter, with all of the debauchery and evil that entraps people, being vital to the economy and seen as indispensable.  When large-scale spiritual warfare is done, it disrupts those that profit from the pain and suffering of others.

Thanks for reading and blessings,

--
Glen Gaugh, MSW
Jackson, TN 

Spiritual Leadership and Authority

For all of those who have been hurt by spiritual abuses:

I want to turn the concept of spiritual leadership on its head: what we can see accomplished in others through leadership is great, but what is accomplished in our own lives and families makes all else pale in comparison! Personal repentance, Spirit-leading, holiness, discipline, dedication to spiritual health and salvation of self and family, integrity, trustworthiness, all must be demonstrated by a would-be leader in the kingdom. It is the actualization of Christ's absurd maxim: the first shall be the last and the last first (Mt. 20:16).  Paul accounted apostles as clowns, and warned the Corinthians not to set one up above another (1 Cor. 4:6-10).

Spiritual authority is authority with the Spirit of God, not authority over people, through unity with Him. It is submission to others, a heavy weight of responsibility, the burden of lifting others above self (Eph. 4:3). It is like David, who was anointed of God long before he ever became king, but spent years giving Saul into God's hand and waiting for the respect and anointing of the people. Power is surrendering people to God when we want to restrain them by guilt, manipulation, or force of will, things that formerly were used as justification for fleshly power under the name of God, but wrecked the lives of people who, to this day, ache from the injuries of years and decades past.


Those who are called to spiritual leadership and authority are as the angels of heaven.  Apostle and angel come from the same Greek word- messenger.  But God created angels, and then He created humans.  Humans are the inheritors of salvation, not angels.  Humans are called to be children of God, not messengers of God. Every human is called to be a priest in this earth, to minister to every other human being, and though a few would be called to be special ministers, they must first be humans, believers, priests, before assuming such a role, a role that is for building up others, not stepping on them (Eph. 4:11-14).  That is why Paul admonishes Timothy that a novice is not to be a leader, but a proven, faithful steward of God's blessings can be a spiritual leader. That is why Jesus can say that many are called, but few are chosen; merits of ministry will not earn heaven, but meritorious grace toward a fallen man will.  Oh that I would stay fallen in my spirit, reminded of my sinfulness, so that Christ will keep me lifted up!

There is a great pain, a bitterness, an iniquity, that has been borne out of abuses of spiritual power in the name of self-promotion. Many backsliders from the faith today are in the gall of bitterness, bound by iniquity, even though they bear the name of Christ in baptism (Acts 8:23). Repentance is still the call of Christ, even for those who have been dreadfully wronged. But repentance is due from any self-centered, ego-driven Christian or preacher who has ever valued response and followership over repentance and transformation of lives.  Entire generations are slipping away, and will, if we can't lead people down in order for them to be risen back up by Jesus.


There is healing for the broken.  The time has come in the Spirit for restoration of all of God's people.  I want to be a part of that, and to have the ministry of God in me, toward people, be that of doing good to and for others so others can be all that God wants them to be.  To be a steward of the grace of God, not a lord over others.

Powerful Words Part 2

The first post on "powerful words" emphasized more of the cruelty of words.  There was one comment I made that is a good segue into today's post:

"Connotation must be sincere and appropriate..."

The same tools that can help are the ones that can be used for manipulative purposes.

I have been on both sides when it comes to manipulation: I have hurt and been hurt by every degree of deception from subtle misdirection to blatant lies.

There are two reasons I can think of to deceive as an adult: fear and manipulation.  Children lie often when they feel they will get into trouble.  This is a part of development that requires proper discipline and admonition; the most effective remedy is to react appropriately to negative behaviors so discipline causes sorrow for the offense, not fear of the punishment.  Adults, however, lie out of fear as well, in spite of knowing better.  The most tempting thing to do is fudge on deadlines, make excuses, or magnify actual impediments that may not really have been significant enough to impair progress on a project or task.

Lying out of fear is not right, but lying in order to manipulate is abuse.  Neither transgression is any greater or less in God's eyes, but manipulation leaves human carnage in its wake that perhaps does not occur so much when one fudges something to get out of trouble.  Manipulation involves a whole tool box full of techniques: putting someone down or overpraising him; pouring out affection or withholding it; appealing to one's sympathy or to their fears to get what is desired; making someone feel like they did something wrong that was really beyond their control.  The most horrid of manipulation occurs toward children or people who are under the authority of the manipulator, making them feel they have no recourse and that they must comply or somehow be retaliated against.

The following scriptures all refer to various relationships, but each points out the wrong of being manipulative:

Eph. 6:4- And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

1 Peter 5:2-3- Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind; Neither as being lords over God's heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.

Col. 4:1- Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal; knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven.

Psalm 10:7- (Of the wicked) His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and fraud: under his tongue is mischief and vanity.


I stated at the beginning that I have done my share of lying and manipulating.  I have to guard myself in the smallest ways to make sure that I do not allow manipulation to enter any of my relationships.  Provoking, lying, misdirecting, downplaying, redirecting blame; all of these are ways that manipulation can creep into a marriage and a home.  It takes the power of the Holy Ghost and sound words to avoid falling into the trap.

Powerful Words Part 1

There has been so much talk in the media about how negative rhetoric (talk meant to persuade) may have played a role in the tragic deaths and injuries that occurred in Tucson, AZ this past week.  While the jury is still out concerning the shooter in a lot of ways, there is no denying that words have power.  "Death and life are in the power of the tongue," Proverbs 18:21.

People: husbands and wives; fathers and mothers; sons and daughters; employees, congregants, and friends; are helped or hurt, saved or slain, by words.  Words, sounds, the way they are arranged, the subtle connotations, or the explicit meanings communicated, all cooperate or conspire together to make or break their recipient.  While the hearer bears some responsibility for trying to understand that which is communicated, the speaker bears responsibility for the conveyance of understanding, and can hardly blame the hearer if the conveyance is without thought or consideration.  There is no room for having one's "brain in neutral and mouth in overdrive."  Not if understanding is the goal.

This is particularly important, in my experience, between parents and children.  Modeling effective, positive communication is such a powerful tool, not only to gain compliance and cooperation, but to teach that child how he is to communicate with others.  The simplest example, and one I have encountered many times, is a parent that complains of a child that curses, when the parent also curses, or allows such language in the home often enough that the child picks it up.  There is no amount of lecturing or punishment for cursing that will cause it to stop, unless there is ownership of the communication that has modeled cursing.

Communication problems are often more subtle than this, but it amounts to the same conclusion: communication is learned through modeling and observation.  Let's break down two important aspects of verbal communication in order to develop intentional, positive communication.

• Semantics: meaning.  Words are often chosen to convey a certain meaning.  If I receive a traffic "citation," to my wife, that is a "ticket."  The formal air of the first word creates less tension in the hearer, as opposed to the second word, which sounds more negative, though both words convey the same thing.  Similarly, one may make a "big" mistake, or a "gigantic" mistake.  "Big" is not a big word, but it symbolizes largeness.  However, "gigantic," or a slang like "ginormous," signifies largeness with a large, imposing word.  Semantics can be used with others to convey a message that shadows a more negative reality, or that exaggerates a less severe situation, based on the intention of the speaker.  When used sincerely and truthfully, connotation is effective in producing a desired result; when I hospitalize a child in the course of my crisis work, I truly mean that they are going for "treatment" at a "psychiatric hospital," not to be "locked up" at a "psych ward."  Connotation must be sincere and appropriate, however.  If a child is behaving in a delinquent manner, it is very appropriate to say that the consequences may include being arrested, locked up, detained, or any number of other words that convey the seriousness of the matter.
• Pragmatics: appropriate application of language.  While semantics looks at the meaning a word symbolizes or signifies, pragmatics examines the appropriateness of language across contexts.  In my work as a crisis counselor, I inevitably see young people who have been told that I am coming to "lock them up" or "send them away."  I have to re-frame that notion into "hospitalization for treatment," as a "help, not a punishment."  What purpose does it serve to tell a child of any age that they may be "locked up?"  Only to cause stress, anxiety, anger, and defiance.  Similarly, they are not being sent to a "psych ward," a "loony bin," or a "crazy house."  These are all socially inappropriate, not only for the specific situation, but for any situation in which inpatient care is being considered.  While this is true, for a parent who has had to admit a child to a psychiatric hospital, it may be expressed in private to a confidence that the parent regrets "locking up" that son or daughter without the social or behavioral consequences of having said it to the child or in the child's hearing.

Semantics and pragmatics are often methods of manipulation, but compliance based on manipulation is short-lived and only reproduces manipulation.  Honest, appropriate, considerate, direct communication can be maintained no matter how frustrating or dire the situation.

When Crisis Comes to Church

It is so important to do right toward all who come through the doors of the church.  I read a statistic on Twitter posted by the authors of Essential Church (Thom and Sam Rainer) that said 26% of people who no longer attend church stated that their church was a support in times of personal crisis.  That number should be higher.

I feel that many in ministry or leadership do not feel equipped to handle many of the individual and family crises that come to church.  It takes more than quoting scripture or offering to pray.  It takes being willing to "be there" in a real sense of empathy and listening, without judgment, shock, revulsion, or lecturing.  It takes having a present focus.  And more than anything, it utilizes the spiritual reserves and every ounce of the Holy Ghost one has; feeling and listening to the Spirit is essential.

That being said, education and preparation will prepare leaders and ministers for the day that crisis comes to church.  The way front-line leaders and ministers in the church handle the challenges of crisis will determine how safe, accepted, and available people are to the work of the Holy Ghost.

More to come...

The Standard of Measurement

Something to consider here; it is in a note format rather than a really finished product, because I have trouble filling in the blanks sometimes.  I leave it to you...

Heb. 3:1- Consider (be attentive to, fix your eyes and mind on) Christ, the Apostle and High Priest of our profession (this is the standard, or required, measure of the believer).

Eph. 4:7- grace by the MEASURE of Christ’s gift (the measure of the gift- the full extent of Christ’s power and grace available to the believer).

Eph. 4:13- MEASURE of the stature of the fullness of Christ (The measure of the giver- the exemplar for the life of the Christ-like believer).

Eph. 4:16- according to the effectual working in the MEASURE of every part (the measure of the gifted- to the greatest capacity one is able, as a part of the body of Christ, to serve Him and be inhabited by Him).

We are measured up to the Apostle (one who is sent) and the High Priest (he who intercedes for us continually- Strong’s G749, Heb. 2:17).

Isa. 59:15-16- Yea, truth faileth; and he [that] departeth from evil maketh himself a prey: and the LORD saw [it], and it displeased him that [there was] no judgment. And he saw that [there was] no man, and wondered that [there was] no intercessor: therefore his arm brought salvation unto him; and his righteousness, it sustained him.

If we fail to measure up, then we leave a life of evil only to become a mark for the devil.  God seeks the intercessors.

The priest ministers reconciliation (Heb. 2:17).  We must measure up to this.

Reconciliation and intercession- aiding and comforting people in Christ’s love in contrast to their expected judgment or punishment; engaging the gates of hell in battle for souls.

We must always be somewhere between the altar and the porch (Joel 2:17), going to and viewing the world; showing righteousness, justice, and judgment; and being with the lost; then returning to the place of intercession for their souls.

Weekly Dispatch 1/12/11

 (My weekly email to helping professionals, sent directly to the Rural West crisis team at Youth Villages)

Weekly Dispatch, 1/12/11

Angels and Demons

I read Dan Brown's book, "The Da Vinci Code," before watching the movie.  I liked the book better, so I didn't run get his other book, "Angels and Demons," I just watched the movie!

Behind the religious/mythological context of the story and the conspiratorial thriller plot line, "Angels and Demons" is a demonstration of the best and the worst that one of the characters has to offer. 

Ewan McGregor's character, the Pope's assistant, who in the movie must serve in the Pope's stead after his death while a successor is chosen, risks his life to save Rome and thousands of people who are gathered to observe the historic choosing of the papal successor, from a deadly weapon of mass destruction.  Having been a combat helicopter pilot before becoming a priest and the Pope's right-hand man, he takes the weapon high above the city in a chopper in an apparent suicide mission to save the city.  At the last possible moment, he ejects himself and parachutes back down to the city below, into the arms and hearts of the admiring people whom he nearly died to save.

The priest's self-sacrifice lifts him, previously a mere lackey, to becoming the fore-runner for the highest position in the Church.  But as too often happens in real life experience, intentions turn out to be less than noble, self-serving, and undeserving of admiration.

Aside from being religious symbols, angels and demons may accurately refer to the two sides of human nature, as it does for the antagonist of the novel/movie.  Relationships, environments, conditions, attitudes, physical wellness/disease; any of these factors and more may conspire or cooperate to bring out the best or the worst in a person.  The frustration many times is that, when I would do well, I don't, and when the opportunity to do less than well is present, I do it so readily.  Maybe you feel the same.

Let's believe in the best of people, no matter how personally close or distant, and appeal to the best in everyone around us.

Happy day,
Glen

To know is to love...

My son Elisha's complaint about bedtime prayer is, "I don't want to say that prayer over and over again!"  Mind you, he says it once each night, but insists on me playing Star Wars with him at least 500 times a day!

I tried to explain to him that he doesn't talk to me just once everyday, but he talks to me over and over again.  He's still too young to understand.  But some of us adults have trouble understanding that Jesus needs to talk to us at least once a day, preferably more. 

Relationships are sustained by communication, and familiarity produces intimacy.  Prayer is the connection to God that brings the His much-desired intimacy with each of us and allows us to understand His will.  The Bible informs us and guides us and is enlightened by that relationship with his Spirit to affect every part of our 21st century lives, even though it was finished over 2,000 years ago.  Fasting helps turn the almighty Self into the little-s self that each of us should be so we can submit to God and hear His voice through the Spirit and the Word of God.  And we have to do it over and over again because once isn't enough!

I have to remind myself of this on the 499th time my son wants me to play his game with him, and more so when my Father aches for fellowship with me during undeserved hours or days of silence on my part- to know someone is to love them, and to love them is to spend time with them.  Thank God that He came down to know me and has made a way for me to Him through the sacrifice of His Blood and indwelling of His Spirit!

Weekly Dispatch 1/4/11

My weekly email for professional helpers-

Weekly Dispatch- Happy New Year!!!

Lessons from the Rear-view Mirror- "We ought not to look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting from dear-bought experience." George Washington

It is hard to look forward while looking backward.  Simple enough in theory, but difficult to put into practice.

I am my own worst critic; if you made this statement about yourself, it would most likely be true, as it is of me. We tend to dwell on past poor performance, mistakes, misjudgments, or missed opportunities much longer than we should.

So to illustrate my point, I will share with you some lessons learned from driving with my eyes glued to the rear-view mirror, rather than fixed on the road ahead...

A.  If you are looking at the road behind you, it is impossible to see the road ahead of you.  And that is where the obstacles will be that you have to avoid.  If you can see the obstacle in the mirror, be it person, animal, or otherwise, then you have already killed it and damaged your vehicle- TOO LATE.  Missing the obstacles and pitfalls of the future requires that your full attention be ahead of you, not behind you.

B.  If you are retracing your steps, you can't make course corrections on the path ahead.  "Keep it between the ditches" is a common word of warning to the traveler as he or she sets out on the journey.  Even familiar curves and well-marked turns will be missed without full forward attention.  Looking back, whether out of regret or out of yearning for familiarity, will not allow for needed course corrections that inevitably will some your way.

C.  Looking back is sometimes necessary; do so regularly but briefly.  Reflection is needed, as Washington said, in order to learn from lessons of the past.  Brief, periodic glances will help to prevent missteps of the past.  Revisiting the past, however, can lead to unproductive guilt, regret, and personal brow-beating.

"This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark..." St. Paul

Set a mark before you and press forward! Making the most of what you have, where you are, right now, is the proactive way to prevent looking in the mirror further down the road.

Glen

New Year's Thought

(Actual writing of this post was 12/29/10)

I first read this in John Maxwell's book, Leadership Gold.  It is in the chapter called "The Choices You Make, Make You."

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street. (Text copied from the website http://www.mhsanctuary.com/healing/auto.htm)

Portia Nelson (1921-2001) was a songwriter and cabaret singer of the '50's.  This poem is in a book she wrote called There's A Hole in my Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery.  The book is used by many 12-step groups.  Very insightful on the subject of change and choices.

To quote John Maxwell, "Successful people make the right decisions early, and manage those decisions daily."  Sometimes we are good at making choices, but bad at managing them.  We can choose to walk a different street in the coming year, if we are tired enough of falling in the holes of last year.

Oh well.  Happy New Year!
Glen